I spend most of my time being a recluse and playing Sodoku.
I’m an epileptic introvert who is now terrified of her brain degenerating so this is a pragmatic way to spend my time, in my electrified view.
At the same time, I can’t play Sodoku all the time so I also spend a lot of time listening to music, writing and imagining in my free time, as if I was again two years old,
happy and elsewhere.
I feel Sodoku + pretend time = effective brain work-out.
I will stave off brain atrophy through a rounded daily routine of cognitive exercise, combined with a healthy emotional and physical supplementary routine.
Hell, I should open up a Wellness Clinic.😺
Also, since I’m an introvert who essentially stores up her “interaction energy”, whenever it’s time to hang out with people or do a public presentation, I’m usually able to behave as an extrovert. 😺
I have often heard “YOU can’t be an introvert! LOOK AT YOU!”
When I’ve been told this, and since I’m usually just standing there, chatting, appearing “normal”, I can’t help but think some must imagine introverts hide in closets all of the time and never leave.
So I usually respond: “Yes, I saw the sun. It’s been a big day.”
In any case, since I have been avoiding people more than usual due to the ongoing pandemic, I felt I had an excessive amount of social energy stored up.
However, while I was feeling all “oh wow when I see people again I’m going to knock their SOCKS off with my brazen outgoing-ness”, I found that this was not to be.
Because last week my fragile introvert recluse world was shaken with wonderful interactive happenings.
Or they should have been “wonderful” but I am me.
First, it was Thursday and that is the best day of the week, in my opinion.
I probably feel that way because I was born on a Thursday and I’m self-absorbed.
There was a handmade “cloth scroll thing” which hung on the wall of my childhood bedroom and it was embroidered with that old rhyme/riddle/poem/threat:
Or, in case you’re all OH MY CATS THAT VIDEO IS SO SLOW WHY IS IT SO SLOW OH MY GERD JUST GET TO THE END!!!!!! (apparently I’ve lost some patience in my recluse years)
Okay. So I’m short and I’m reading that horrible bit of fortune-telling on my bedroom wall every day of my child life and I develop a strong feeling that it’s bullshit.
I mean, what if you’re born on Wednesday?!
You’re just doomed and fated to be sad all the time!? What the hell kind of bullshit is that!? Because you’re born on Wednesday you will be sad forever.
“That’s stupid.” – me when short
I was also perplexed by my fate of “having far to go” as I was, again, born on a Thursday.
“What the hell does that mean?!” I asked my mother.
I didn’t feel she answered my question. I also didn’t feel she had to because it was pretty clear that I would have a long motherflipping way to go
which could be read in a positive way like
“oh the adventures! oh the sights!”
but it also is just…
“Thursday child, brace yourself. Life is going to be complicated and frustrating and arduous.”
To this day, I strongly dislike that children’s rhyme.
In any case, that cloth scroll thing hanging on my cloth rosebud wallpapered bedroom wall inspired long periods of bitter, reflective thought as a child.
And, in my case, my Thursday’s child fortune came true.
Because I am always moving houses and feel no closer to arriving anywhere…I am a rambler!
THAT DAMN CLOTH SCROLL THING WAS RIGHT!
Damn you, England, and your dumb gypsy fortune telling poetry.
But back to my introvert-fail story…
It was Thursday. The best day.
And I was notified that I was to participate as a Big Ten Network’s “virtual fan”.
COVID has made sports crowds almost impossible (especially in the U.S.) so, with the late and improbable start of the Big Ten football season, they needed to get virtual fans for each team.
And, as a Wisconsin Badger football season ticket holder
(I’m a season ticket holder because my dad was a season ticket holder for forty years and he died so now I have the tickets which are a source of a great deal of stress every year as I can’t afford to pay for them every year so I have to sell them so that I can afford to pay for them every year and… ermigerd…),
I was given the opportunity to apply to be a virtual fan and… I did.
Because I thought I was all ready to reign charismatic fire on the world as an introvert who has been isolated and living as a recluse for a year and who theoretically had a lot of interactive energy to burn.
Last Thursday morning I was told I’d have a slot of time (6:45 – 7:00) that night to be a virtual fan on Zoom and I was to bring enthusiasm and tons of Badger fan spirit…
And I did… and…
I’m pretty sure I made a complete ass of myself.
I mean, I sit at home most of the time and talk to Darth Vader
so it was a big step to suddenly have to appear “normal” and “socialized” in front of a national sports network and an online group of strangers in jock gear.
Also, college sports fans are usually very “put together”.
Preppy. Posh. Clean and neat.
So I am not really one who fits in with the college sports crowd beyond the drinking.
And it doesn’t help that my team’s colors are red and white.
I own virtually no clothes which are white.
If I do, they aren’t white for very long.
Consequently, my Badger shirt was black. And… as I looked out over the other participants in their mini screens who are in big groups of people, wearing Badger Red and white…
well, all my insecurities suddenly came flooding through me.
So being a college sports virtual fan last Thursday night was essentially 15 minutes of pure anxiety. My husband turned to me at one point and said, “This is supposed to be fun, right?” and I tightly nodded in response.
It was all going as well as it could have gone but the BTN host then asked each Zoom group to give individual messages and…
I don’t remember what I said.
My mind went blank.
Apparently, I blurted out something but I only remember being HYPER conscious of not mentioning how my parents were dead… “DO NOT BRING UP DEATH DO NOT BE WEIRD BE NORMAL AND CLEAN AND CONFIDENT”
and I have no idea what I said.
It was just a blur.
I didn’t even have the presence of mind to involve Rex as I had promised him.
At one point, I think I sat on him.
He was very upset with me.
Sigh. And, yeah, we were the only ones on the call to dress up a stuffed dinosaur in place of our dead dog.
For sure we were the only ones to do something like that.
But BTN was all “Gather your family! Grab your kids! Involve your family pet!” and, in response, I was all
GO TO HELL!
And then I was all “DRESS UP THE DINOSAUR AND PRETEND!”
(and my ongoing inside voice was screaming “DON’T MENTION YOUR DOG IS DEAD!!! DON’T EXPLAIN IT BE NORMAL!”)
At first I was all “WEIRDOS REPRESENT!!!!!” but then I quickly lost that sentiment and jarringly felt compelled to fit in and not differ from the crowd in any significant way.
So the virtual fan experience was a complete blur… and like 15 minutes of putting anxiety on call waiting…
And then it was done, and I was horrified.
I had completely shocked my introvert system.
Ah, the exciting world of being an introvert.
As a rebound, we then left the house and went to Target to buy battery operated candles for my inherited Christmas dolls who have been repurposed for Halloween as money is tight.
Side note: I had a serious team-building talk with the dolls (Gisele and Evelyn) because dolls are inherently creepy and I didn’t want them to get any big ideas or start walking around the house at night.
But I swear they looked happier this morning when I saw them sitting in the sun.
And that lifted my spirits.
So What’s Up with the Freaky Dolls
Gisele and Evelyn
Yeah. I know it’s not healthy but I feel bad for the dolls, especially the original Christmas doll (Gisele) who drowned in a flood and then was replaced and left to sit in the dark on a basement shelf because my dad didn’t have the emotional energy required to clean this intensely sentimental object or the heart to throw her away.
He just replaced her with Evelyn somewhere along the way because we had to have a spooky Christmas doll.
So, years after, I was the one to clean her up, unite her with her rival and give Gisele her rightful place which is on public display during Christmas…
and I am genuinely happy to see them both smiling in the sun.
And I hope Gisele especially remembers my kindness and is not possessed by the devil or anything so, if she does get up at night, she just goes and grabs a soda from the fridge or something and then returns to her spot.
Regardless, after having my anxiety possibly broadcasted nation-wide during college football games,
and then Target
well, it was too much for me.
I was clearly operating on interactive fumes after the sports thing, having exhausted my interactive energy supply, and I then had to sacrifice some of my physical health supply as a result… just to get me through.
And, as a result, the next day I woke up sick.
Naturally, I hoped it wasn’t COVID. I wear a mask and social distance and hold my breath when indoors and largely avoid people in general but the pandemic is hitting its stride here in Wisconsin now.
At the same time, I knew my exhaustion was simply due to being an introvert who is out of energy-conservation practice.
Also, I knew this Thursday child has far to go so I couldn’t die from coronavirus right now.
In any case, I took it easy last Friday and did not accept calls from medical professionals or anyone else, and instead read my gifted and signed new Allie Brosh book. 😺
She is the best. 🖤
Soooooooo I avoided people and refilled my energy silo and now feel better so I can get up and keep trekking on my long, arduous way.
Also, the husband and I have recently decided not to turn on our heat because our utility bill was so low last month it sparked a capitalistic light in our eyes.
I believe it’s important to struggle and strip yourself of comfort so you can focus on feeling alive.
And see how long you last! 😺
The key to staying alive in Wisconsin winter?
Layers! Thank you Wish💥!
And, if we don’t freeze to death in the meantime, it’s:
8 thoughts on “Well, We Introverts Can’t All Be Normal and Well-Adjusted 😺”
I’m Sunday’s child.
That poem always reminds me of the Velvet Underground’s “All Tomorrow’s Parties”.
I get a vulnerability hangover every time I do something Zoomy. I’ve learned to lean into it.
I have always felt that dolls resent the living, but I think yours look mostly under control.
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Aw. You’re as wonderful as the poem says. And Yay! Love that song! 🎶 Of course.
Ugh… I really dislike online meetings. I don’t like in-person meetings so maybe that’s just it.
And yeah… these dolls look incredibly creepy but I see Gisele as as the only other survivor of my house (besides Fluffy+) and Evelyn has tape on her foot with my name “Hillie” sharpies onto it… because my grandma and great aunt helped to pack the most delicate things in my parents’ house and didn’t want me to forget Evelyn.
And I simply cannot remove that piece of tape.
So yeah they’re essentially “me” and it’s a bit of a psychological cluster. 😂
::And I simply cannot remove that piece of tape::
Some inconsequential piece of ephemera left in place just a little too long turns into a Very Important Emblem, much too dear to consider ever parting with. I remember thinking, “Take that down and toss it right now, or else.” Not having tossed it, it’s still there years later. But now, it is an Artifact. Now it requires that I honor it. Now I have to find the proper safe home for it. Now, it has me, I don’t have it.
I had to have it explained to me that I’m an introvert, not because I’m shy (because I’m mostly not), but because being alone is how I recharge my batteries. So that’s what _I_ say to people who blurt, “YOU can’t be an introvert! LOOK AT YOU!”
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🖤an artifact indeed dear Lisa. Sentimental objects for sure. I don’t love the dolls but I do believe they are part of me or… we share an almost forgotten world.
RECHARGE THE BATTERIES… YES! Haha some rob what I call my life force quicker than others and some… not at all. We introverts have our shades. 🖤🎶
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I’m a Wednesday’s child! 🙈😱😱
I love the image of anxiety calling 😄😵
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Gak! Wednesday’s child gets the brunt of it! I don’t see you as being full of woe at all. Not a big fan of “fate” being assigned by a cursive-written poem usually surrounded by cloth flowers and other mild visual stimuli.
The poem should be written in horror script.
Hahaha yes! The anxiety calling is one of my favorite gifs! 😂
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Thursday is my favorite day of the week! It has the potential of the weekend coming up without any pressure to have fun!
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Mine too, dear BBF! Exactly what you said! I didn’t even mind the Thirsty Thursday messaging by bars… it seemed appropriate even. 🥰