Social Work Self

My dear Bird Best Friend made me a feature item for my “desk” at work.

I asked her to make me one because it reminds me of exactly how I feel in my new job as a state social worker:

Crazed

Overwhelmed

Trying desperately to do good and spread joy and wellness but…

I will probably end up eating everyone in the end anyways.

This last week I managed to get certified to do what I’m already kind of doing.

This meant I had to do two days of state testing and, if anyone has ever done any kind of state testing, well, you know it’s really terrible, seemingly oppositional to the goal of “learning something” and… it leaves you amazed at how public services even manage to function.

Poorly, but they do essentially function.

Depending on where exactly one lives in the state.

In any case, I think I get my photo taken now. And I also get a badge thing.

Happily, I’ve found my favorite part of the job is meeting members and their people in person. 🥰

But I’ve only just begun…

Because I’m also distracted by some weird things happening with my old body.

Specifically, my right leg seems to be struggling.

It started with my right foot suddenly – out of nowhere – being in some kind of electric stranglehold.

Or, more specifically, as if one toe is being electrocuted and the others are trying to get away from its stiffened form.

That’s a horror shot for sure… the only bones I’ve broken have all been in my two feet so my two feet are really not pretty.

But that little toe doing its own thing in that photo above is a really unsettling, horrible feeling when it’s happening.

And that’s been going on for a few months now. I told my #2 neurologist (the ALS researcher) and he was very “If it starts happening daily, let me know.”

It is not happening daily. If it was happening daily, I’d gnaw my foot off.

But then this week my right leg just felt… uncooperative.

Weak.

It kind of buzzed with its unwillingness to do what I wanted it to do… but it still did what I wanted it to do.

This new weird sensation kicked in last weekend when I was painting the base coat on the walls of my little music room.

I was standing on my piano bench and… it genuinely felt as if my leg was going to give out.

I told myself that I’d probably used my legs for the first real time in months the day before and I hadn’t stretched them out properly afterwards.

So it was probably just my old muscles making a fuss.

Yet, it definitely has got me thinking.

Because I learned from my #2 neurologist who specializes in ALS treatment that some other people who received the same doomed genetic news that I got gave up on life completely.

Giving up is one thing that’s not in my genetic makeup. I state that proudly but it’s really becoming a state of rabid denial.

For instance, I was driving on the interstate last weekend when something fell off from my new used car.

Like… it just came off my car. Whatever it was. I felt it coming loose below my feet and then I saw it fall onto the road behind me.

It looked like a floor mat. My car didn’t come with floor mats but maybe they were stored under the car this entire time.

But, after I saw that the “floor mat” didn’t kill anyone and was not lodged in the windshield of another car and… kept going 80mph.

Driving on the interstate here is like a scene from that movie Tomorrow War.

But, unless what fell out from under my car was its engine (or if whatever it was visibly hurt someone/caused damage)… I’d just keep going.

Intensely.

This has made me realize that I’m still running. Running until I can’t run anymore. So… here I am, killing myself as a state social worker, but… it feels right.

I’m also secretly auditioning colleagues to see which ones I’d choose to be my Medicaid social worker and nurse.

STRATEGY!

But… whether we are running away or staying as still as we can or hiding completely… we are still holding on.

No matter what.

My BFF also included THAT 👆 in my amazing care package and I’m going to frame it and also hang that up at my work.

Life is a series of fuck-ups and victories and I guess the trick seems to be finding a balance between the two.

🖤