Things I Would Change If I Could

One day, I was at work and found that time had apparently slowed to the point where I began to seriously question whether cats’ evolution into their current ridiculous state was really a worthwhile transition.

Is evolution progress? Yeah, I had to think about other things.

So I decided to create a list of pro-active regrets I have and what I would do to change them, if given the chance:

  1. Um, I would definitely care more about making money.
  2. I would also embezzle and then embezzle… more.
  3. I would definitely drink more starting at an earlier age.
  4. I would watch Labyrinth less because I think it seriously messed up my ability to reason rationally.
  5. I would start a campaign where parents teach their kids to not walk directly into people.
  6. I wouldn’t leave phone voice mails while having a panic attack: I’d had a panic attack once in a Madison Big Lots around Christmas time. I had never experienced one before, but that night I found out how terrifying a genuine panic attack was. I felt the world suddenly melt around me, and it didn’t make any sense. Like, it made even less sense than it usually does. Thus, all I could do was stagger from aisle to aisle, absolutely horrified, unable to find an exit, trembling, shaking, looking for a corner so I could back myself up against the wall and turn to face the onslaught… none of this was that unusual for me, but, in this case, for a change, I wasn’t aware of nor particularly concerned with what people were thinking of me. I knew I was going to die but this didn’t upset me. Rather, I was only concerned about where my body would be when found. I managed to push my way into the staff area and stumbled into the small staff bathroom, where I proceeded to barricade myself. And then, after an extended period of time of me panting and staring at the wall, I managed to decipher my cell phone’s purpose and organized the little symbol buttons in a way that connected me to the only numbers I could remember at the time. I then left the most surreal messages my boyfriend and my friend Abby had probably ever received on their voicemail: “Hello. It’s me. Please come and retrieve my body which is at the Big Lots on the East Side. Make sure they know it’s me.”
  7. I would replace honesty as the best policy with something better.
  8. I would develop some sort of stick system.
  9. I would avoid men entirely, and, if one should come near, I would stab them with one of my sticks.
  10. I would look both ways a lot more.
  11. I would eliminate understanding as part of the process where I share my feelings with someone.
  12. I would contribute more to the science behind time travel.
  13. I would have moved somewhere warm as soon as sledding became less of the primary reason to stay.
  14. I would have learned the useful kind of magic.
  15. I would have read less.
  16. I would have slept more.
  17. I would have worn red pants much more often.
  18. I would have limited my social circle to stuffed animals until I was nineteen or so.
  19. I would have limited my disbursement of the “benefit of the doubt”.
  20. I would have suppressed my ability to walk, talk and respond to people so I could have just sat under the table with my stuffed animals for a few more years in the beginning.

Yeah, regrets are stupid, but if I had invested in time travel science, it really wouldn’t matter.

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