Hold on… hold on…

This week I’m identifying most and best with my broken car fob

and our traumatized, terrified yet indignant and supremely weird new dog.

This is because recently I hit a wall due to the rut of our present existence and other factors.

When you’re feeling low, it’s good practice to count your blessings.

There is a good time and a bad time to be told to “count your blessings” but, during one of the good times, do it.

For me:

We have a house we like in a far less dangerous Milwaukee neighborhood though our super unfriendly neighbors to our right may make meth but, as our insurance guy just told us, we are covered in case the house next door explodes so BLESSING #1.

We have a dog who is learning to be a dog so we have, say, half a dog right now and half… something else… but it’s more dog than we had before so BLESSING #2.

My husband and I both have jobs and a source of income and also state health insurance so BLESSING #3.

We do not live in Ukraine. BLESSING #4 And… my heart goes out to those people as they prepare for invasion and the rest of us should be treasuring our pre-World War III time.

SO… what’s my problem? Why so low, Joe?

Well, I’m re-reading a memoir about epilepsy which reminds me I should add “Not experiencing grand mals presently” as BLESSING #5 but I’m dwelling on my simultaneous doom sentence of also being genetically, certainly, predisposed for ALS/FTD and so… I’m feeling like I’m not fully taking advantage of the time I have while I still have it.

I need to be connecting with people and creatures more; I need to feel as if I’m making a difference in this dark world and I’m simply not doing enough at my job or in my home to address this need.

As, due to a COVID upsurge,

there isn’t much in our daily life beyond work

and home

work

home

and work

and home

Consequently, there has been no contact with anyone but co-workers in weeks and… I’m often alone at work.

Except for when I’m confined with my self-described “abrasive” boss.

For a few months, I felt she was the “cause” at my work and now I feel I did all I could have done and, beyond her, the work we do isn’t helping anyone who needs help.

So now I’m again cause-less and afloat.

Feeling wildly out of balance and useless as I’m not making any kind of positive difference in this world… I’m looking elsewhere for an authentic cause which will fuel my life force.

Thus, while banished from work at home without COVID, I took my annual free trial of LinkedIn Premium and applied to every single job in my preferred fields for which the app said I was a “Top Candidate”.

I mean, what the hell.

Applying to 15 jobs was a vaguely spontaneous sad cry for help… in metaphorical (and – below-literal?) Russian.

But, shockingly, last Friday afternoon a CEO of one of these entities I applied to the week before said he’d like me to move on to the next interview phase.

I didn’t really know what the job was but I spent last Friday recording and re-recording… over and over…the two video responses which composed the interview and finally submitted them at the end of the afternoon.

And then, Friday night, the CEO said I had moved on the next interview stage and asked me to complete an accreditation exercise and/or test.

I messaged “Great! I’ll check it out this weekend!” And then

actively avoided it on Saturday

and then did this exercise/test on Sunday… as the process was moving too fast for me.

Was this the authentic meaningful job I was looking for?

Or is this just another smokescreen which I’ll foolishly kill myself for?

Driving myself insane with my budding existential crisis, I wasn’t even capable of feeling “happy” that I had moved forward in an interview process so quickly after receiving 8 million job application rejections a a year ago.

In any case, I felt relief when the CEO told me it may be a minute before they got back to me because their executive staff were off-site last week.

So now I wait to hear back and continue to question whether they are a “good” or not.

One positive thing is that it’s a remote writing/education job which requires PhDs so I could spend all my time at home or in a park with our weird dog

and my academic degrees, no longer feeling as if I have to hide them in fear of seeming overqualified.

No more feeling subservient and out-of-place! No more! I’d could be doing what I’m good at! I could be back in my comfort zone! I could be free!

Just me and our weird dog and my pride and self-satisfaction, pettily liberated.

Maybe I’m talking myself into this job I don’t even have yet and which I’m not even sure I can do and for a tech company which may or may not be some sort of tech-y cult…?

Until I hear back, I’ll continue to focus on our traumatized dog.

What’s funny about June Carter Cash is how she is a liberated, empowered version of herself when she has her collar and leash/harness on.

And this dynamic combo of leash and collar empowered her to recently eat her food (!!!!) from her bowl (!!!!!) in a space that isn’t “her place on the couch”.

Big steps forward!

So, for now, us weirdos will all keep holding on.

Because sometimes holding on is all we can do, especially when we feel too tired to maintain the status quo AND actively try to make a real change.

As, in the meme words sent to me by my dear friend Jesse this morning:

But, even if we feel like we are failing life,

failing ourselves,

failing our loved ones,

failing Robert Smith…

we have made it through another week and that is a reason to celebrate. 🖤