The Darkness

There are some nights – tonight and last night – where I think “I’m just going to bed. This day has felt too terrible too long and it simply needs to end. Here’s to tomorrow.”

But then tomorrow comes. And it feels the same. My fucking IUD removal (or Mirena crash which many doctors deny) seems to be at blame as the Darkness really kicked in with a pattern

right after that event.

It’s so awesome to be a woman.

In any case, when I feel the darkness hit so very hard and I start to think about how unhappy I am and how alone I feel…

I remember this photo I took at the Pittsburgh rowhouse we lived at for a year. The image is a mirror reflection. In it, I am holding my phone as it takes the photograph using flash. Behind me there looks to be a face and then next to me there looks to be a super bedazzled-looking cross.

I sent the photo to my friend Cory and asked if he saw anything and he circled the face and the cross and wrote his commentary on the photo:

So… darkness lingers. But so does light.

My mom – after she became ill with FTD – would look at me and then suddenly start to glare and fiercely stare at something just over my shoulder.

She’d point and say “Evil”.

I’d naturally laugh and tell her she was freaking me out and then… slowly… turn and… nothing would be there.

My heart pounding, I’d turn back toward my mom and see that she’d usually already be shuffling away from me.

And so I’d start to laugh again because… what the fuck.

This reminds me of a human encounter my husband had at the Milwaukee Paranormal Conference last weekend.

At my table I had a poster of Van Gogh with the text I had inserted:

And this guy came up to my table and pointed at the poster and said:

“I don’t think he was fine.”

My husband looked up. “What?”

“I said, I don’t think Vincent Van Gogh was fine.”

“Um, no, that’s sort of the point… he wasn’t fine.”

“Yeah. He definitely wasn’t fine. So that’s just not true.”

“It’s sarcasm… “

“Not true…”

Meanwhile, I was standing somewhere else having my own human encounter with a man who asked me, “Have you ever thought that it’s you who is haunted? Not the places but… you?”

He said this as if he had just revealed the meaning of life.

I looked at him and cocked my head and said, “Yes.”

And he sort of deflated. I’m not sure if he was looking for a fight or dramatic discussion but… uh, yeah, of course I had considered that.

I mean, don’t go to a paranormal conference and expect to have normal conversations.

But the point is… no, VINCENT VAN GOGH WAS NOT FINE. Very few people are genuinely “fine” when asked “Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m fine.”

So the poster was more about that: how people lie.

And the darkness I’ve been feeling could be hormonal or paranormal but it doesn’t matter because I know it will pass.

And I picked up some new library books tonight so I’m going to battle the darkness with books.

Sometimes you just run out of fairy dust.

I purchased the tangible figure of my favorite meme at the conference:

I’d hang the “I’m feeling too dead inside right now to brighten shit” skeleton close to my bedside lamp but the thing is pretty fucking creepy so it’s staying out in the living room.

Hope everyone reading this is safe and okay tonight. Or today.

Whenever. Hugs.


10 thoughts on “The Darkness

  1. I was hoping the title referred to how Halloween is coming up and jack-o-lanterns shine better in the dark, but no – it’s that other kind of not-fun darkness. Books and skeleton amulets sound like great counter measures to the tough times. Crossing fingers it doesn’t last too long. And, BTW, people who don’t get sarcasm are obviously from an alien species and should just go back to planet Teflon or wherever they came from. Although they can be good for a laugh, so there’s that. Take care!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. We’ve just gone into a Libra Mercury retrograde. I am spiraling, my friends are spiraling. And no one can really talk about it.

    The doctors doubting the Mirena crash probably didn’t have an IUD removed and suddenly find themselves awash in estrogen unchecked by progesterone. I am guessing.

    I played some music tonight and it helped a little. Maybe talk it over with your piano?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah. Libra Mercury retrograde. That could help explain it my dear friend. And to hear more are spiraling… 😔 It’s almost my bday and sadly the spiral is real. You’re so right about the doctors!!!! Yes yes yes!! Music is medicine. I… am too sapped to even play but I will. 😘😘😘😘😘😘


  3. As you know, I am strongly pro-sarcasm. This blog had me thinking (thanks for that, no sarcasm) I often see people that will announce to anyone within typing distance that they “grew up with no parental supervision or helmets or seat belts or doctors and They Turned Out Just Fine!”
    Yeah, I’m fine too. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry you are feeling the darkness. The IUD thing is real. Changing hormones can definitely bring us crashing down. The changing seasons and weather also bring so many people down with SADS. One year I tried using a little SADS light every morning sat breakfast and I think it helped my mood. Also putting up Christmas twinkle lights really picks up my mood as well as taking high dose vitamin D. If you are receiving ghostly interference, I’m afraid that’s beyond my control. Try saging your home and telling the entity to fuck off. All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you dear Naomi. I do feel it’s hormonal. I was doing my best to fake it really hard last night while at dinner with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time but felt such a distant between us and… so very isolated and alone and couldn’t keep up the mask. If it’s hormonal, it should be passing soon.

      We have year-round Christmas lights up. 🥰 And I’ve put up more as it’s Halloween season. So our apartment is pretty aglow with festivity which helps very much.

      I’ll keep taking the vitamins. Love to you. Thank you. 🖤🙏


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