This blog is a little late this week because I spent Monday and Tuesday doing “real” work aka editing a grant application (for a friend but she paid me my rate and it was the closest thing I’ve done to “real” work in a long time).
So that felt good.
That update is for those of you who have any idea about when I regularly post… all two of you.
In any case, I haven’t seen my regular neurologist for awhile (just all the other ones) and perhaps my brain misses her because, last night, after I had just fallen asleep, I was awoken by a rather violent volt of bodily electricity.
So that was weird.
Since I was sleeping, I literally thought “Oh wow, that’s super weird” and then went right back to sleep.
I’ve never been awoken by my epilepsy.
When I first “got it,” I was about 12 years old and it only attacked me when I was transitioning from sleeping to being awake and conscious.
Aka early morning.
So for epilepsy to wake me up…
that’s new.
I haven’t had any issues with my epilepsy in two years. So maybe being violently shaken awake isn’t my epilepsy and is…
…some other thing…
but logic dictates that jolt was caused by my excessive and abnormal brain electricity.
I can’t classify that as a seizure either… it was just like… I put my fingers into an electrical socket and got a single jolt of electricity.
And now today — out of nowhere — my left eye is twitching like a motherflipper but it doesn’t feel like it’s my eyelid or whatever twitches when I’m hyper stressed… it’s like whatever is above my eyeball is twitching.
This doesn’t feel super annoying… it feels wrong.
And the kicker is how I haven’t been feeling stressed. In fact, I’ve had a rather lovely start to my week.
So for all this electrical activity to come out now is just weird.
And I just found out that I didn’t get the library job I interviewed for and… yeah, this caused some tears because it’s been the – not keeping close count but — the 80th job I’ve not acquired in about a year and a half and, well, all I can think is…
will this bad news and the subsequent dramatic shift in mood stop my fucking brain from tweaking out?
Or is my brain going to keep up its bad behavior.
So my ALS neurologist told me it was vital to not give up or else the ALS or the FTD will wake up as it feeds on doom (I’m paraphrasing).
But epilepsy doesn’t give a fuck about how I’m feeling.
Which is why I feel my epilepsy is my best defense against early-onset brain degeneration.
How can a freakishly electrified brain degenerate? Who needs “hope” when your brain emits so much electricity it’s considered “alarming” and “unexpected” by people who stare at brain electricity all day long.
Of course, romanticizing epilepsy is like being in a really bad relationship.
You may focus on its potential and better qualities, but epilepsy will always let you down and there’s a good chance it will kill you.
But, no time to dwell, I have to…
oh yeah. There’s plenty of time to dwell. That’s sort of the problem with the whole inability to find a job.
In a pandemic.
As a middle-aged epileptic woman.
Oh well. If my epilepsy keeps being a dick, I’ll have to reach out to my regular neurologist and… uh… can’t increase my medication… there is no other medication which works so…
discuss brain surgery?
Oh I’m in a mood. Forgive me, subscribers and that person who accidentally stumbled upon my blog and is now falling over themselves to leave it.
I’ll try to end on a more positive note.
Soooooooooo… um… beyond “Oh hey, the sky is still there!” I can only offer you this clip from Space Force which is a Netflix show we are rewatching while waiting for the next season of What We Do in the Shadows and it’s wonderful.
So… here’s a trailer for that show (yeah, maybe I should have just skipped this week’s blog but…):
And how I usually finish… music is medicine. Hold on, friends.
I’ll do the same. 🖤
Also, after listening to my church’s live streamed choral service, it reminded me that… choral music is better than whiskey and I love whiskey.
I’m not Catholic but… here’s a favorite playlist of mine which lifts my spirit. xxx
Brain Wars!!! 
Everything is awful and I can’t tell you different, but I can tell you that I love you and I have enjoyed more than my fair share of Cadbury Mini Eggs and I don’t feel bad about it. I’m sorry about the library job, Trek is always hiring for a ton of shit if you have very specific skills and want to live in Waterloo. Xoxo
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Sigh. Yes indeed. Sending love to you my beloved BFF. Ah, I’ll check out Trek! I hosted my church’s YouTube live stream which was a choral service and… I should edit my blog to say “GO LISTEN TO CHORAL MUSIC” because… and I realize this may just be me but… if music is medicine, choral music is the cure (at least for the temporary blues). xxxxo
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Your writing is such a pleasure to read even if the subject matter makes me feel how unfair the world is. All those bosses have no idea what they are missing. Your energy, your smarts they would enhance any workplace. And your health is one hit after another. I hope this blog is a relief and an outlet for stress. ❤
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Oh dear Peggy! You’ve just lifted my spirits. Such kindness. 😭This blog gives me purpose… I do try to not bum everyone out. I’d love to have my graphic memoir published… be a writer but… trying to gather myself before querying because that would be DOUBLE THE REJECTIONS 😂 and I’m not sure I could sustain that right now. Sending so much love to you. Thank you. 💙
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“…vital to not give up or else the ALS or the FTD will wake up…”
Aghh, I HATE that SO much. The tyranny of positive thinking. The pious subtext, “It’s his own fault the cancer killed him, he was so blue about it.” Fie on them. I curse them with raspberries. >:p…….
~~~
Choral music–YES! (Especially, for me, recordings of the choir at Kings College Cambridge, and any random chanting monks.) (Not the Tibetan ones. A little throat singing is very cool. A lot of throat singing makes me want to break china.) (Little c china, not big C China.) (Big C China deserves a little breaking for what they’ve been up to in Tibet, though.)
~~~
Thank you for Space Force. (You had me at Lisa Kudrow and John Malchovich.) From there, I went on to a clip from an award show with Ricky Gervais insulting Steve Carell, sitting in the front row.
~~~
Now I go to my bed, soothed by lovely lovely music, and with countless happiness endorphins released by Ricky Gervais floating through my being. Be content in the knowledge that you have done good work today.
(Ooh, Lisa is in SUCH a mood. She should delete most of this comment.)
xo, friend.
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Oh Lisa… I responded to you via email but… I fixed the problem. You were deemed “spam” by WordPress for no reason I can think of since I LONG AGO deemed you “SO VERY APPROVED WTF” so…hopefully I fixed the problem! THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING ALL CAPS! xxxxoxo I LOVE RICKY GERVAIS!!!
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Ah HAH! Raspberries for WordPress SpamBots also. >:p……..
You tracked that down! I just thought I had somehow botched the POST COMMENT click (which wouldn’t be unheard of–I grew up analog). That was so sweet. I feel cherished. Thank you.
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Rposebud! I’m sorry you were jolted awake this morning. This happens to me every night when I am just falling asleep from menopausal hot flashes, so not quite the same thing. Maybe it’s just a one off because you were about to have a bad dream from all those Alien vs. Predator clips and your body said “NOOOO!” Here’s hoping you have a better electricity-free day.
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Hahaha aw… thank you, dear Naomi. Ugh! I’m so sorry about your hot flashes!! 😬 Gak! That sounds terrible!
Yes, I’m sure it was just a one-off. And you’re probably right… there is plenty of cause for my body/mind to rebel. Hugs and love. xxxxxx
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