Networking Epileptic on Edge of Death Feeling Genuinely Cared For

Woohoo! Today I had my appointment with the new neurologist who I was only able to see thanks to a friend who pulled in a favor with a prominent neurologist who then made the connection and… networking may not get me employment but it got me the best neurologist I’ve had in perhaps forever!

And she even said that she’d keep her eyes and ears open for a job for me so MAYBE THIS AMAZING PERSON WILL EVEN GET ME EMPLOYMENT.

And then I can say that networking did get me the job.

So I won’t have to suppress scowling when I’m repeatedly told that networking is how you get jobs because I’M ACTIVELY NETWORKING WITH THE PERSON TELLING ME THIS BECAUSE OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T BE TALKING TO THIS PERSON WHO IS NOT HIRING ME AND CLEARLY THE NETWORKING IS NOT WORKING so…. I’d like to scowl less and also feel less obligated to suppress scowling.

I was REALLY presenting as “Regular Interview Approach” for this appointment with the new amazing neurologist as I straightened my hair and put on HEELS though my broken-but-recovered troll feet which are quite accustomed to slippers/flip-flops/naked time were a bit set back but…

I am very proud of me. I even went to Target afterwards for a few things we missed during our last grocery run.

Like a real functional and contributing member of capitalistic society.

Now I’m barefoot and dressed in rags again but, for a short time, I was a Real Human Consumer, Masked and Out in the World.

Of course, it was all a bit of a ruse. But people see what they expect to see.

They couldn’t see all the sweating. That’s why I wore strategically baggy clothing.

In any case, this new neurologist even brought up AUTOIMMUNE DISEASES (those are the life-altering illnesses people have which most doctors can’t seem to diagnose because they require maybe two different tests and also focused analysis and “effort”) which is just amazing.

Maybe I don’t have everything wrong with me.

Maybe I simply have an undiagnosed autoimmune disease which makes me feel like my body is melting down in so many different ways at one time which makes me also feel that the best option on an average day would be to simply take me out back and shoot me.

That could be done in front of the drug dealer’s house as that’s what’s out back here and they have a long metal sheet behind their porch because people are always driving by and shooting at them.

So it would be the perfect place for me to go if I was to be taken out back and shot.

David said he wouldn’t shoot me but I’m sure I could easily find someone around here to do it.

In any case, I am feeling more hopeful today.

I’m already set up to get a bone density test and a MRI and genetic testing, and my new neurologist is going to get the results from the other EEGs the former neurologist did because she was trained to read EEGs and thinks maybe he wasn’t.

Or maybe it is as bad as he said it was but… at least I’ll soon know exactly how bad it is.

And this new neurologist also makes to-do lists!

She said “I’ll just write this up!” and then she wrote a numbered list and then gave it to me.

So my brain is essentially relaxing… I can feel it… it feels weird… as I’ve found a neurologist who makes and shares her task-lists with me.

It’s like a cosmic connection has been made.

And… I didn’t even tell her about the time I possibly had a stasis seizure in Chicago… the fact that I’ve been on all the anti-convulsant drugs and the fact that I probably experience at least two types of seizures means that I’m not an amateur epileptic, I am professional, and I’ll probably have another super long, life-threatening seizure which I’ll need help getting out of.

And of course I immediately thought of Pulp Fiction.

And then: (inside head voice) ARE YOU GOING TO SEND ME AN ADRENALINE NEEDLE?

No, because I wouldn’t be suffering from a drug overdose, I’d be suffering from ongoing electrocution. An infusion of adrenaline would really not be an ideal addition to electrocution.

I’m not sure what my temporary obsession with hard drugs is this week but I’m not starting any hardcore drugs any time soon


so Life Change Pharmacy won’t be delivering an adrenaline injection as I won’t be overdosing.

Haha, if they tried to deliver one, I don’t think they’d make it to the door in this neighborhood. It’s probably seen as a super high demand item around here.

In any case, I really like feeling prepared for emergencies or the mundane nature of an average day.

I like feeling prepared in the same way others like eating chocolate.

Delicious preparedness.

So now I’ll have an emergency medication JUST IN CASE I’m traumatizing others while having a super long seizure. And I’ll be giving them something to do instead of standing there, hugging themselves and crying or calling the police.

“Don’t cry or call the police. Put this pill on the inside of this scary person’s cheek.”

Of course, that’s kind of a difficult thing.

Lost of people wouldn’t know how long is “too long” when it comes to seizures because seizures are terrifying and they always seem to go on forever.

So, unless you’re accustomed to seizures and can assess an average length of a seizure, I’d be a bit concerned some brave and/or sadistic soul would be stuffing a pill into my cheek after five seconds of seizing.

I’m sure that’s fine. But what a waste of the emergency medication.

Also, lots of people aren’t the best kind of person to have around in any kind of emergency.

It doesn’t matter. I haven’t had any kind of seizure since I had the petrifying flurry of seizures back in late summer 2018 (which I fixed by doubling my medication dose as I couldn’t afford to see a neurologist as my job forgot to give me health insurance for seven months and which a Pittsburgh neurologist officially prescribed when my job did give me health insurance after I no longer worked there… non-profits are more of an art than science)

so I should be good to go.

And now I feel I can really go off and have a million seizures if I wanted to because I have a solid neurologist to call if I need help.

How fucking cool is that.

Even if I’m feeling low. I can call her. Epileptics are prone to anxiety and depression because WE HAVE FUCKING EPILEPSY but I personally can’t really separate the anxiety and depression from the trauma and grief and how the unemployment/rejection stream has made me feel.

Feeling unwanted is not technically depression if it’s a literal assessment of the ongoing employment situation.

I was beyond the point of caring what potential employers thought when I resurrected this blog. Because… I’d like my next employer to know what I honestly think and be cool with weirdos like me.


Speaking of weirdos, last night I addressed whomever was standing right outside our building and, I don’t know, they were maybe dropping a pan full of keys onto the sidewalk outside over and over and over and over and over and over and over around 11 P.M. and… since there is no reason they had to be repeatedly dropping their pan full of keys on the sidewalk outside our building at that hour, I needed it to stop.

And what’s cool is how I can whisper threats from the other side of the window covering.

It’s so convenient.

I can say “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT NOISE GET MY GUN” from the couch.

And if someone in America says they’re going to get their gun, you should appreciate the extra time you have because most people just carry their gun right on their person in a hidden way.

So it’s very possible I’ll find out I don’t have brain cancer just before I’m shot to death or burned to death via fireworks by some vengeful sidewalk keys-in-pan-dropper in our neighborhood but…

these are the choices we live with in this life.

Soooooooooooooo… I’ll write another blog about this because I don’t have a job and I’m trying to make this my job but…

I’m getting my ghost stories published in a little storybook format and I’m going to sell them so, if you want one, let me know!

Here is the title and cover:

I was going to have a local business print and bind the storybooks but it would apparently be, let’s just say… a gazillion dollars… so each book would have to cost more than most people would pay for a little book at a sidewalk sale and that would just cover the costs of printing it.


And I did want to make a little money to help pay for the two nights my husband and I will be staying in the glamorous town of Kenosha for our thirteenth wedding anniversary.

As I wanted to buy booze for it. In any case, my husband’s amazing art (@muellerlowlife) will be at this Soup House Sidewalk Sale and so will my illustrations and we are home printing my ghost storybook book.


I feel like a real writer. Love, words and addiction.

Romance is not dead.

Oh! Yesterday our car celebrated Christmas in its own reality.

So Happy Holidays to our car which we now officially own.

Our assets as a married couple are or have been either haunted or crazy and that’s just got to be okay.

So Merry Christmas and Happy New Year… I know so many people are all “2020 is the worst” but 2021 is likely to be even worse so…

well, I’ll just let you know what Car thinks as it will be encountering the new year in 2012 before/after any of us and perhaps in some cryptographic way that information will be insightful.

And so I’ll





it’s all about motherflipping networking.

15 thoughts on “Networking Epileptic on Edge of Death Feeling Genuinely Cared For

  1. This is not how Mercury Retrograde is supposed to work. I need to do your star chart.
    So glad you found a human neurologist. They are apparently the best kind.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Love you too my BBF!!!!! And yes!!! She is wonderful. Just learning how much worse the last neurologist is as…the office is… closed… so… all the tests and their data… gak. 🙄 But hopefully leaving it behind! Love yooooooou!


  2. HUZZAH!!! And,
    you ARE a real writer. And,
    happy anniversary! And,
    merry Christmas.

    When you ask someone to buy
    something, you should probably
    give them an opportunity to do that.
    (Hint, hint.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😂 Awwwww. Thank you Lisa!!! You. 😘 And such good advice… indeed indeed. 😂 I’ll see if anyone buys the, let’s call them, “limited edition” booklets… once I figure out how to print them… on Saturday here in Milwaukee and then… format it for Kindle and make the little book available digitally. 🥃🥃🥃🥃🙆‍♀️ Hm. What would YOU pay for a 100 page little storybook with a shit ton of (aka 64) photos and illustrations? 🤔

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I have to get out the laptop to copy that… but I am doing this and I can’t wait to see what is happening now… are unicorns falling from the sky? Positive thinking positive thinking… 🦄 🦄 🦄 🦄 🦄

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I know! I know! I know! “I’m feeling fine my dear, thank you for asking.” So perfectly right, this vibe as a soundtrack to your post. In Bossa Nova, no less. (Is there nothing this man can’t sing? I AM puzzled by the Andy Warhol/Carol Channing thing. Is this significant? And also, what is up with the Popeye eyes? Hmm.)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I see in tonight’s post that you went with $10. That seems eminently reasonable (and maybe two for $15? Christmas WILL be here before we know it). But, oof, I am so not the person to ask about pricing.

    I adore my Kindle (never thought I’d say that until I inherited one from my father-in-law), but I don’t think I’ve ever paid more than a pittance for a Kindle book. (I am such a cheapskate.) There’s a very big part of me that regrets abandoning the public library, who supported my reading addiction low these many years. (Yes, I know that, technically, you can borrow ebooks from the library, but they never seem to have the titles i’m looking for.)

    All that to say, you’re on your own, Cupcake–I got nothin.’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha aw. Yeah I’m just… an antique. Not a fan of stuff but really love the smell and feel of tangible books. The Milwaukee libraries have been closed for months and… I’m starving a bit. Rereading my favorite books over and over. And… yeah! I did some research and am good with the price for now. Printing and producing them is quite a thing… doing the Ebook definitely cuts costs. But would hate for the print book to be so much more than the ebook but… I’ll see how it all works out. Thank you, dear!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. My dear Lisa,

      You know this already, but I launched my Etsy site where you can go and place your order for an e-book copy of “The Bank Doesn’t Care…” for $5 and a digital print of Community Bird Meeting.

      Or let me know if you have any issues (or would like another arrangement as I stated in the email)… just let me know! 😀 THANK YOU!


  5. Oops, I lied–I have sooo much more to say (just not about pricing).

    I almost just deleted this comment. I think this is not the place for it, but I’ve been thinking about this (the loud thoughts that don’t let me ignore them, capisce?) a lot, just lately. I think I’ve mentioned, I’ve learned not to ignore this particular itch. So:

    I keep wanting to ask. Have you heard of Rodney Crowell’s memoir, “Chinaberry Sidewalks?”

    The book “focuses on his early life in southeast Texas growing up with a violent alcoholic father and a born-again mother with severe epilepsy.” As a child, it fell to him to care for his mom during her seizures. What really causes me to recommend his book to you, though, is this: You and I have lost both our parents, our mothers most recently. Rodney Crowell’s descriptions of the circumstances around his parents’ deaths is truthful and moving–and so familiar.

    As I read your descriptions of your time with your mom winding down, I constantly found myself wanting to say, “Yes, me too!” and, “Rodney Crowell said that about his mother in his memoir, have you read it?”


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s