Dexters Are Motherflipping EVERWHERE!

I figured I needed to put together a light-hearted blog.

So you consider a fictional serial killer “light”?

Yes. Have you seen Dexter?

In any case, I just got done reading twenty years of neurologists’ reports on me because I dumbly logged into my medical records database to find this lovely summary and… to read their comments on me when I was 24 and 27 and 40 and… all the ages I’ve been… well, it kind of made me feel bad. Not that the comments were terrible but… I am now very aware I have dramatically low bone density which is due to the stupid anti-seizure medication I’ve been on for… ever (since age 12 or so).

Like… it’s-amazing-I’m-still-upright low bone density.

Like… there’s the “average range” and then there is my numerical score which isn’t anywhere close to that. The reason my neurologist didn’t say anything is because that “range” is only applicable to post-menopausal women over 50 and so – on a technicality – I’m not counted. So good thing I drank gallons of milk as a kid because, if I hadn’t, I maybe wouldn’t be mobile.

The outlook is not what one would define as “awesome”…

But what this does mean is how I am now Samuel L. Jackson’s Mr. Glass in that M. Night Shyamalan movie Unbreakable.

And I have never been Samuel L. Jackson in anything ever before. So it’s kind of a thrill.

In any case, since I’m feeling thrilled, I’m breaking the Friday tradition and writing a blog about an odd recent phenomenon that may only be funny or weird to me. SO... anyone ever see that TV show Dexter which starred Michael C. Hall as… Dexter, the secret serial killer who was a blood pathologist for the police and also a serial killer who, generally, only killed those who committed evil acts?

This guy? Down arrow:

First of all, Dexter annoys the shit out of me. The concept is interesting, Michael C. Hall is great but… after watching three or four seasons you kind of want to slam your head into a wall when repeatedly hearing “my dark passenger” or something exactly like that.

“I’m so dark.”

“I’m so dark.”

“I’m so dark.”

“Am I dark?”

OH MY CATS ALMIGHTY WE GET IT YOU’RE MESSED UP CAN YOU STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF ALL THE TIME ABOUT THE SAME ISSUE WHICH IS COMPRISED OF THE SAME FIFTEEN WORDS?!!?

I get it. It’s the entire show: “Is he good? Is he bad? Is killing bad people wrong? Is killing wrong?” blah blah blah blah bored blah blah.

But… Dexter could be an excellent drinking game:

Whenever Dexter talks to “Ghost Dad” or “Ghost sister” or a ghosts appears as if they’re flesh and blood and Dexter starts talking to them… drink.

Whenever Dexter says the word, “dark”… drink.

Whenever Dexter uses an extremely over-dramatic tone in his voice… drink.

You’d die of alcohol poisoning by season five.

Also, why does he need to wear the same fucking shirt when he goes out killing? Like, oh, here we go, got my killing shirt on… gotta go kill someone now I guess I’m all dressed to go:

I mean, does he do laundry all the time? Does he have a billion identical pair of pants and shirts? If so, where does he keep all of these identical killing clothes? We’ve seen inside his entire apartment. Nowhere.

And, honestly, I’m pretty sure at least 75% of his bloodlust would diminish if the guy just got some sleep once in awhile.

He… never sleeps. He goes to work and then he stalks his prey/kills his prey and then spends 6 hours cleaning up his super cool Saran Wrap killing room and then he goes for a 3AM boat cruise to dispose of the body parts…

and there is no way he could get all that done between the end of his cop tech shift and the beginning of his cop tech shift.

There wouldn’t be enough time.

And there isn’t any time to sleep. DEXTER! GET A NAP, BUDDY.

But… whatever. A small dumb part of me enjoys Dexter and I will be watching the new Dexter series once it’s available to me who does not pay for premium cable. After all, I have rewatched the first six or seven or however many seasons more than once. I just can’t usually make it all the way through the re-watch because my eyes have rolled so far back into my head by season four I can’t see anymore so I have to stop watching.

The reason I’m ranting about Dexter is how I’ve suddenly seen his twin… everywhere.

Well… I’ve seen his twin two other places:

1. FOX NFL Sundays:

Greg Olsen is a former NFL player and seemingly nice guy who is a FOX Sports commentator and also clearly Dexter’s jock brother.

Greg.

2.

Uber – the second Dexter was in my REAL life and dually served as my super nice Uber Driver – Ian – who I met an hour ago

I found that I really thought I was chatting with and being driven around by Dexter when he wasn’t preoccupied by and rambling on and on and on about his darkness. Oh and… guess why Ian-Dexter was an Uber driver? He moved to Milwaukee with his wife from Austin, Texas as she got a job with Costco but… he couldn’t find work… at all… so he figured that he may as well do something other than sit at home all day so…

1. Again, don’t move to Milwaukee. Right, Emma? :))))

Mr. Glass wasn’t as much preoccupied by this darkness but, rather, consumed by it…

much like the Sentryman character in the comic book he was clutching in the photo above.

At least Mr. Glass didn’t go on and on and on, languishing in his struggle with walking the line.

I mean, WELCOME TO BEING A HUMAN BEING, DEXTER. IT’S A STRUGGLE. THAT IS INFERRED IN BEING ALIVE.

In any case, discovering I’m like Mr. Glass (physically) and also surrounded by the fictional character Dexter (or just a sudden infusion of square-faced ginger men) has lifted my spirits.

In honor of these recent discoveries, I’ll start wearing purple more and keep my eyes peeled for the next Dexter sighting.

Spirit before Ian the Uber Driver:

Spirit after Ian the Uber Driver:

I wonder what Dexter’s first words were?

Signing out this snowy Monday night… if you’re reading this, hope you’re warm and that you and your bones are staying intact. 🖤